I have often said that if Nostalgia were a drug, it would be the drug I am addicted to. I think I may also be susceptible to overdosing. Often I feel as if I am drowning in memory, trapped in the past, consumed by mistakes I have made and a desire for redemption.
How non-Taoist of me. How much I restrict my happiness by living not in the present, but in the past, or on occasion allowing my anxiety for the future to rule me in it’s place. Oh the depth of the problem I have created by restricting my harmony with my own self, and unbalancing my Yin and Yang.
I still believe that a big step in my recovery would be finding my other half, my “Yin” if you would like to call them such. I would certainly be more capable of working on my issues, if I had another wonderful being with similar but balancing issues to work on with. If I had one to harmonize with, As for now I am unbalanced, seeking to balance myself off of good friends instead, though that cannot bring the fullness of what I require. Indeed I find it quite lacking.
Do not get me wrong, many of my friends and family members are wonderful people, who are certainly doing what they can to help me, but they simply cannot, rather than will not. Few of them, unfortunately, understand the loneliness that I have within me. Few know what it is like to be an Ender.
If you are ever interested in psycho-analyzing me, that would be a good place to start by the way. Look at Ender Wiggin, from the book, “Ender’s Game”, by Orson Scott Card. There is a person who I can understand completely. He was always surrounded by people who connected to each other, in ways he could not connect with them. He was always alone, despite being surrounded by these people, some of which ecen wanted to connect to him, but couldn’t.
It is in this way that I see myself as him. I have always been apart from everyone else, and not been able to make a solid connection with anyone else. I am always different.
I don’t mind it really, not normally. It is who I am, and I have come to accept it. It has only become a problem since I have begun to seek my equal. The one which can balance me out. I only hope that I can find them before I am consumed entirely by my Yang.