My Search for Balance

I have often said that if Nostalgia were a drug, it would be the drug I am addicted to. I think I may also be susceptible to overdosing. Often I feel as if I am drowning in memory, trapped in the past, consumed by mistakes I have made and a desire for redemption.
How non-Taoist of me. How much I restrict my happiness by living not in the present, but in the past, or on occasion allowing my anxiety for the future to rule me in it’s place. Oh the depth of the problem I have created by restricting my harmony with my own self, and unbalancing my Yin and Yang.
I still believe that a big step in my recovery would be finding my other half, my “Yin” if you would like to call them such. I would certainly be more capable of working on my issues, if I had another wonderful being with similar but balancing issues to work on with. If I had one to harmonize with, As for now I am unbalanced, seeking to balance myself off of good friends instead, though that cannot bring the fullness of what I require. Indeed I find it quite lacking.
Do not get me wrong, many of my friends and family members are wonderful people, who are certainly doing what they can to help me, but they simply cannot, rather than will not. Few of them, unfortunately, understand the loneliness that I have within me. Few know what it is like to be an Ender.
If you are ever interested in psycho-analyzing me, that would be a good place to start by the way. Look at Ender Wiggin, from the book, “Ender’s Game”, by Orson Scott Card. There is a person who I can understand completely. He was always surrounded by people who connected to each other, in ways he could not connect with them. He was always alone, despite being surrounded by these people, some of which ecen wanted to connect to him, but couldn’t.

It is in this way that I see myself as him. I have always been apart from everyone else, and not been able to make a solid connection with anyone else. I am always different.

I don’t mind it really, not normally. It is who I am, and I have come to accept it. It has only become a problem since I have begun to seek my equal. The one which can balance me out. I only hope that I can find them before I am consumed entirely by my Yang.


How do you prove that we exist? Maybe we don’t exist. . .

Clare asked me a question which was a rebuttal to my own question of “How do you prove that we exist?”. Her question was, “What does it mean to not exist, and why would it matter?”.

I will tackle the first question, and then move on to the second after I have laid the groundwork for it.

What would it mean to not exist?

Well, to put it simply, if we did not really exist then nothing would have a point whatsoever. Keep in mind that I do not necessarily believe that we don’t exist, I simple accept the fact that existence cannot be proven. There are a number of factors that contribute to this inability.

For instance, one can progressively ask “why?”. An example: “What is the purpose of life?” an answer a religion I know of says, “To test us.” To which one can reply, “Why do we need to be tested?” The answer to this can always be followed up with a “What is the point of that? Why is that important?”. You can continue to answer any reason with this question, and you will never get to the end of it, meaning that one cannot finitely define to purpose of life, meaning that there is no finite definition.

No finite reason for existence, no reason to help provide evidence for existence.

Likewise, there is nothing to substantiate that we are not all hallucinations, or dreams of someone else. Why can I say that when people have clearly proven that they are not hallucinations or dreams? . . . that’s exactly the point, if we are hallucinations or dreams than can that proof not also be the factor of hallucination or dreaming?

Now, I am not saying I believe that we are either a hallucination, or a dream, but what I am saying is that there is no way to provide evidence to the contrary.

At the same time, we cannot provide evidence that we do not really exist either. We cannot prove either way, and that is the nature of Nihilism, whether it be applied to morality, or existence. We believe that there is no way to know anything inconclusively, and so we live as if nothing is concrete.

Why would it matter if nothing existed?

It wouldn’t matter, and that is precisely why it would. Nothing would have a point. No action that we performed would be of any actual significance if we were all merely figments of imagination or hallucinations. Because of this it allows some of us freedom.

I am freed by my belief that nothing is conclusive. I am freed because I know I can change myself, and that change is the power of the universe. It is the vehicle by which all things occur, so if we embrace ability to change, then we can allow ourselves more freedom regardless of our situations.

For instance: I am male. I have always been male. If I had been born in a female body I would have still considered myself male. I understand that this sort of situation does occur for people. There are certain people among my friends and acquaintances who have this sort of dilemma. I know some who took this very hard and find themselves incredibly trapped in that world, one in particular who sees his male form and hates it, and wishes to the ends of the Earth that he could be a woman. He does not try and do anything to affect his mindset, he simply complains and let’s his fear and anxiety control him/her. Another person I know in this same situation has chosen to embrace what they consider to be their natural gender. They refuse to let their physical form stop them from behaving the way they wish to, and they act all woman despite the placement of their sexual organs being on the outside. The first person is stuck in a mindset where everything is concrete, that the universe is always “one reality”. The second person has freed themselves from that mindset, and accepts that the universe is change, and that there is nothing concrete to tell them they can’t be who they want to be. They have embraced the transient nature of the universe.

So why would it matter? It wouldn’t matter, but accepting the possibility can certainly change one’s mind about a few things.

I don’t know if that adequately answered your question Clare, but I don’t know if I can do any better.


How I Feel: Christ and Homosexuality


Picture posted by M

Cynus: But the bible pretty much says nothing about homosexuality, and Christ himself said nothing about it at all. So, if you are a Christian, meaning you follow the words of Christ, then the only thing you really have to go off of is his upgrade to the law which replaced the law of Moses, which is the only place(Other than a slightly ambiguous point by Paul) that even mentions homosexuality.

M: Read Leviticus, teachings of modern prophets or where babies come from

Cynus: “Where babies come from”? Um, Leviticus was what I was referring to in the whole, “Jesus came and gave a new law that replaced the law of Moses” bit. Modern prophets is irrelevant to being a Christian. You are a Christian if you believe and follow the teachings of Christ. Christ, in recorded text in the Bible. or the Book of Mormon for that matter, said nothing about homosexuality.

Leviticus also said nearly everyone and their dog should get stoned for doing almost nothing. Should we continue to adhere to Leviticus? if so, please refrain from eating shellfish in the future, oh, and all that pork you ate in korea? Yeah, might want to repent about that. . .

M: Wow really? You’re telling me what I believe? Being a Christian means (to me anyways) following the Living Christ, loving my fellow man and striving to act as Christ would in any circumstance.

Cynus: No, I am not telling you what you believe. I am telling you what the definition of “Christian” is. I never said that you believe that. I never called you a Christian! I only call people who meet the definition I stated above “Christians”. Christ never said or did anything involving homosexuality, even though I am sure it abounded around him, considering the Roman occupation and all. Romans were quite notorious for liking their same flesh, or rather, having lessened inhibitions.

Yet not once did Christ rebuke the Romans for their people performing Homosexual acts. Not once did he mention Leviticus as the basis for his actions. Not once did he tell people that homosexuality is wrong.

What I am saying is that being against homosexuality has nothing to do with being Christian, because Christ didn’t say anything about it. You can be against it, you can even condemn it, but it is not based off of being Christian. It may be based off of a faith that is also Christian, such as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but all of their reasons for it(except the few noted above) Come from someone else saying it, not Christ. Therefore, your reason for not supporting it would have to come from being a member of your church, not because of Christ.

Likewise, if you don’t support homosexuality because you are Jewish. This actually makes sense, because they follow the law of Moses, which includes the Leviticus portion. Though they seem to pick and choose which verses to follow. Christ, however, having overwritten the law, supercedes Leviticus with the New Law. That is basic LDS doctrine.

It is your prophets that have said that Homosexuality is wrong, not Christ in the Bible. Please do not claim that it is recorded in the Bible that he did. Please do not claim that it is recorded in the Book of Mormon that he did. Christ actually DID love his fellow man, and I have respect for him. He threw out moneychangers and bankers, he accused those who were obsessed in the law of missing the point entirely(The Pharisees), he made it clear that the old law was the old law, and the new law was two-fold “Love the lord thy God with all thy heart” and “Love thy neighbor as thyself”. 

Christ did not say anything about homosexuality. That is all.

Afterword: I want it to be known that I do not consider myself a Christian, even though something that my uncle and I discovered a couple weeks ago does bring me closer. You will all be able to read about it in a little while I hope, as I will be writing a book with him that discusses this very principle:

“What does it mean to be a Christian?”

I think you will find my Taoist perspective on it to be different than your minister’s, your bishop’s or your priest’s, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway. What is written above is a taste of what I believe about Christianity.

Why I Haven’t Really Been Posting. . .

I apologize to any of my readers who follow me diligently. Though there are few of you, I feel I owe you an explanation.

I am incredibly tired. These past few weeks have been trying, and I really don’t even know why. Yes, work has had something to do with it. Today was day one of a three day event at my work. This event is the largest I have ever worked, and it took a lot of preparation to pull off. Put that together with a shoulder injury and emotional bull-shit occurring left and right in my life, and you have a pretty nice recipe for a lack of motivation to accomplish anything.

And so I am swamped. I have no drive at the moment to post, no drive to make my stands on social issues, no drive to write. I barely made my deadline for my Taoist post, and I had to drag myself to the computer to do it.

I. Am. Tired. 

Please don’t hold it against me. I hope to be back up and running in a week or so, after I have had some time to unwind after this event. I don’t really know if that will help me or not. I really am not sure what will help get me out of this funk. Life hasn’t really wanted to make sense recently. I keep on getting curve-balls, and I have never hit those very well.

If you would like to maintain contact with me, I am happy to continue speaking on a one on one basis. You can reach me through my email, which is “” or alternatively you can find me on facebook. My real name is Samuel Roe. Here is a link to my profile:

Send me a message if you try to send me a friend request. I don’t accept friend requests from random strangers, so if I don’t know it’s you, I won’t accept it.

Thanks everyone for following me this far. Hopefully you will continue to follow me after I figure things out, but, then again, maybe you won’t, and that’s okay too.