My Search for Balance

I have often said that if Nostalgia were a drug, it would be the drug I am addicted to. I think I may also be susceptible to overdosing. Often I feel as if I am drowning in memory, trapped in the past, consumed by mistakes I have made and a desire for redemption.
How non-Taoist of me. How much I restrict my happiness by living not in the present, but in the past, or on occasion allowing my anxiety for the future to rule me in it’s place. Oh the depth of the problem I have created by restricting my harmony with my own self, and unbalancing my Yin and Yang.
I still believe that a big step in my recovery would be finding my other half, my “Yin” if you would like to call them such. I would certainly be more capable of working on my issues, if I had another wonderful being with similar but balancing issues to work on with. If I had one to harmonize with, As for now I am unbalanced, seeking to balance myself off of good friends instead, though that cannot bring the fullness of what I require. Indeed I find it quite lacking.
Do not get me wrong, many of my friends and family members are wonderful people, who are certainly doing what they can to help me, but they simply cannot, rather than will not. Few of them, unfortunately, understand the loneliness that I have within me. Few know what it is like to be an Ender.
If you are ever interested in psycho-analyzing me, that would be a good place to start by the way. Look at Ender Wiggin, from the book, “Ender’s Game”, by Orson Scott Card. There is a person who I can understand completely. He was always surrounded by people who connected to each other, in ways he could not connect with them. He was always alone, despite being surrounded by these people, some of which ecen wanted to connect to him, but couldn’t.

It is in this way that I see myself as him. I have always been apart from everyone else, and not been able to make a solid connection with anyone else. I am always different.

I don’t mind it really, not normally. It is who I am, and I have come to accept it. It has only become a problem since I have begun to seek my equal. The one which can balance me out. I only hope that I can find them before I am consumed entirely by my Yang.

-Cynus

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4 thoughts on “My Search for Balance

  1. izzigearl says:

    I love your comparison to Ender, always have always will.

  2. Susan Connor says:

    Personally I have no Idea of the character Ender. Will read the book though. You however are not alone. How do I know this… Because there are many of us. The vibrations and molecules that intertwine keep fighting each other … rather like polarisation of magnets. Thus we learn that to be ‘alone’ is ‘safe’ as in we think it is peaceful and will trade that loneliness for that balancing and peace.

    Yet how can one have and choose not to be a member of the human race. So across the oceans and through the vibrations cames a virtual greeting.

    Just think of it this way we are all part of that herd. Just some of us cope it ‘it’ by pretending to be something other than what we are…. social!

    Catch you around and smile. .

    • klovax says:

      I tend to look at it as more of the “pack”, and comparing the human race to wolves. There are several other states of alone, then truly being alone. For instance, the Alpha is alone in a sense, for he is above and apart from the others by nature of his position. Likewise there are those that would be alphas, but fail when the challenge presents itself. These often become ostracized by the pack, and become “lone wolves”. I do not know if I fit either of these, but I still can’t help but feel separate.

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